Testimony

My therapist, who knew I would do anything to heal and bring an end to my victimization, gave me a brochure about victim-offender encounters (VOE) offered at the Centre for Services in Restorative Justice. These sessions gave me the chance to express myself freely. They encouraged an awareness of the impact that the murder of my child had on me and a release of destructive feelings for all parties. The sessions fostered mutual understanding of the experience of prisoners and of victims and the giving up of prejudices.

I was convinced from the first session that this process would be beneficial. I was right. Each participant was very respectful of the feelings expressed by others and a great compassion was present within the group throughout the six weeks of sessions. I was nervous; I didn’t know what to expect or what my reaction would be when faced with four men judged guilty of homicide. To my great surprise, these men were deeply moved to meet victims of a criminal act and to listen to my experience, which showed them the consequences of their actions. At sessions, we shared our perspectives on our common experiences. My belief is that, as humans, we are all interactive; a word or a look can lead us further in our personal development. Talking about my experience gave me back my dignity; I could finally talk directly to people that had done something unacceptable to others. I discovered how my mind was open to all humans, no matter who they were, and that I was willing to give them their chance. (…)

I think that all perpetrators of crimes must be stopped in their wrongful behaviour: this can bring about awareness. Then, if the person sincerely wants to be rehabilitated, he or she should have a second chance.

Restorative justice has been part of my therapy, and I took part in VOE sessions first and foremost for my own well-being, to explore my own limits. The four prisoners I met have been in therapy since their imprisonment and are serious about their desire for rehabilitation. In my opinion, inmates, like victims, are affected by the same extreme act. We have to go through the same process to have closure, to get to the bottom of the barrel and then reemerge through forgiveness and through making things right with ourselves.

One day while I was eating in the cafeteria, one of my friends talked to me about a “prisoner-victim” session that was to take place the following week. As they were missing prisoners, he asked me if I was interested in taking part. Feeling drawn to this kind of session, I went to give my name to the chaplain right away, and he was very happy to meet with me. And, just as simply as that, I came to know incredibly exceptional people. The goal of these sessions may be different for each of the people who take part in them. The people organizing these sessions told me that it’s about going further than the traditional justice system and trying to emphasize reparation and minimizing damages rather than simply focusing on punishment, as is usually the case.

They explained to me what the sessions consisted of: they were created to help victims of criminal acts, to deepen their understanding of what they had lived through, to try to get rid of their fear and their anger, and to work toward spiritual healing. But, things happen as much from the victims’ point of view as from the prisoners’, and the sessions can bring as much to one as to the other.

For my part, as a prisoner in these sessions, I tried to start a process of reconciliation with my past. I believe that it’s important for me to realize the repercussion of my acts on victims. By doing so, I think that it can help me to not repeat these terrible acts. I realized that these sessions made me aware of what others are going through and made me more sensitive, more conscious.

I also wanted to mourn my own suffering and hope that victims can do so also with me so that we can turn the page together for good. One woman who participated quoted an appropriate Bible verse on the topic: “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them”.

I think this verse is a good reflection of the magical atmosphere and the energy that dominates the room. Victims and inmates learn to tell the difference between a person’s actions and the person. Moreover, most of time, I observed that before I was an offender, thief or other, I was also a victim… and I reproduced in the same way the same thing that I had lived through, doing the unforgivable again, repeating crazy actions. They call this “social inheritance”. That’s why Restorative Justice sessions go beyond acts and sound out each person’s heart. In any case, my heart was won over, from the first time.

I know I cannot erase the evil that I have done because there were two deaths. How can I make amends? Even today, I do not know. There is probably nothing that I can do, and that is hard to bear… I would give my life to be able to sleep like before. To be able to simply feel pure joy, to really smile, to have a dream that is not filled with all the anxiety I feel now. But to have closure, I must accept that there are things I cannot change. I also have to look, here and now, in my present, for other paths to future peace. “To be reborn, I must die to my former self”. Write another story. Throw away the pen that has written so much grief.

For me, “letting go” physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually are all part of healing. Both the suffering I’ve experienced and the suffering I’ve caused have to be transcended… so that I can break the hellish cycle of suffering.
I want, with everything in me, to rid my heart of resentment, anger, pity, shame, rejection, and the feeling of being useless.

I want to replace all that and fill my heart with harmony, joy, and finally become part of life’s great tapestry. As one of the others said, “Forgiveness isn’t something you give to someone, it’s a gift that can only be given to yourself.”

“Forgiveness is the only magic mirror that can show me my face. My brother’s and my persecutor’s faces are just some of the many masks that God wears, that God hides behind.”

So for me, this experience has been totally incredible. Somehow, it has definitely helped me break my chains… I wanted to thank the people who have shared their experiences with me from the bottom of my heart and give you a great many thanks for having accepted me into your group. I will be forever grateful to you. This process follows the same path as the volunteer job I have at the CEP (Counselling Education with Peers). I make myself available to others. It is through action that I can change things.